If I could, I’d enlist today and help my country track down those cowards responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC but, I’m over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I’m too old to track down terrorists.
You can’t be older than 35 to join the
military. They’ve got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending
18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn’t be able to join until you’re at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old
guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that
28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky
soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can’t kill the enemy we’ll
complain them into submission. “My back hurts!” “I’m hungry!”
“Where’s the remote control?”
An 18-year-old hasn’t had a legal beer yet and you shouldn’t go to
war until you’re at least old enough to legally drink. An average old
guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time
he’s 35, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60
would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn’t like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d
probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial
number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We’re used to
getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. We’ve
also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them
almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been in
combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I
can hear the Drill Sergeant now, “Drop and give me…er…one.”
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning
to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants
without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking
out. He’s still hasn’t figured out that a pierced tongue catches food
particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda
Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at
home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to war.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attack
our country, then jet back to the other side of the world to hide. The last thing any enemy would want to see is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
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